I am 25 years old. I've known about Christ and how He died for my sins for 17 years. I've been a "Christian" for 12 years. I've been married for 6 1/2 years. I had been living for myself for most all of this time until 9 monthsagowhen I was broken, humbled and shownthe Truth.
The truth was my way was going nowhere. The truth was my marriage sucked. The truth was I was wounded from years of the bondage of my past, the bondage of the lies that I was simultaniously too little and too much at the same time, the wounds of my up bringing and the questions I had. Finally, the ultimate truth was that my relationship with God, my Father, the Creator, was only ankle deep--IFthat.
I had your basic children's church knowledge of God. I understood enough to get by, but not enough to go anywhere with it. I prayed because that was what I was taught, not because I actually thought He was listening or would respond. I had a few experiences of feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit and moments where I knew He was there, but those moments came and went depending on my emotions and feelings.
So what changed? For seventeen years, I had been content with where I was, what I was doing, and how I was doing it.
I would love to say it was watching Love and Respect after year one of marriage.
I would love to say it was when I discovered my husband was struggling with an addiction to porn.
I would love to say it was when I heard stories of people breaking free of the bondage of their sins resulting in a deep and intimate relationship with Christ.
I would even love to say it was the birth of my son and the visions of his childhood--growing up in a home with parents who professed to live for Christ yet bore no fruit of His Kingdom, and were slowly dying spiritually.
I really can't pick one moment. Each moment added to the next until finally the "straw that broke the camel's back" was a moment when I realized I did not want to be here, living like this, day in and day out for the next five, ten, twenty, fifty years. I did not want to accept that my husband was going to go elsewhere to fill his needs. I did not want to accept that my son was MOST likely going to end up down the path his father and forefathers took before him. I did not want to accept that we were going to be fighting over the same things everyday, which was a three way tie between finances, his struggle, and my nagging. I did not want to accept that I was not living MY life for God. I did not want to accept that there was only emptiness on my end of a relationship with God. And I definitely did not want to accept that I played anyrole in theway my life and marriage were going.
Thankfully I did accept these things. The hardest to accept was that I played a significant role in each area. That was a pill I did not want to swallow, and I still have a hard time swallowing.
I recently heard someone say, "If you don't want to face your sins, don't get married."
I had to face my sins. The fact that I let the bondage of my past come between God and myself, and my husband and myself. Instead of setting myself free of the hurt, pain, and wounds from my past, I used it as a crutch to defend my actions to God and my husband. Each instance was a brick that I used to build a wall around myself. I let the bitterness against my husband for his own bondage and sins become more bricks. Each time he hurt me, another brick. Each time I was let down by someone, you guessed it, another brick.
After another fight, another act caught, another round of lies told, another string of excuses, blame deferring and denial, I was surrounded by my walls with no way out, and the realization that this really was not working. I sought advice from a dear friend and was told, "You have to pursue God no matter what. You have to take up the role of your own spiritual leader and not lean on anyone else to do that for you.Whether things go good or bad, you have to follow God. If you truly are desperate to get out then you will pray, read, study, and go to church whenever the door is open-EVEN if it's by yourself!"
Wow. That sounds easy? Put God first. Okay, but how easy is it really? How easy is it to say, "I am going to read my bible today, tomorrow, the next day, no matter what. I am going to pray and have time with God. I am going to study this book to learn more." It's very easy to say, but much harder to do.
It was not easy. I had days where I would forget and have to "make up" the next day. I had days where I wanted to give up because the push backs kept coming, my marriage was getting worse, my husband was being meaner, everything was thrown back into my face as my fault, I felt hopeless and alone. There were days where the only reason I sought after God was because it was my duty. The strange thing was, God met me where I was, whether I came to Him joyful, broken, sad, or forced.
The short of this is that the advice I was given to simply "pursue God and put Him first" resulted in so much more. By reading His word and watching others with marriages centered around God, I learned about His grace, His forgiveness, and His love.
His grace. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8, NIV) He knew what sinful people would be, could be, and are, yet He still sent His Son. His grace is unconditional because there is nothing we have done to earn it, but He gives it to us freely.
His forgiveness. "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8 ESV) I know my skeletons in my closet, and so does He, but He forgave me anyway! His forgiveness knows no end! He will forgive us as often as we come asking for it because His forgiveness is unconditional.
His love. "So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and who ever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." (1 John 4:16 ESV) God IS love. He loves each and every one of us no matter what choices we make or how we live our lives. We can break His heart by our choices, but He never takes His love away. His love is unconditional.
Did you notice a trend here? His grace, forgiveness, and love are all unconditional. There is nothing we can do that will make Him deny us His grace, forgiveness, or love. Okay, pause and reflect on that. Now, what does God call us to do?
Show His grace to others. "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:15 NIV) We are to show grace to others whether we feel they deserve it or not. That is tough. It goes against human nature and the way of the world, but God's way is not the world's way.
Show His love to others. "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:34-35 ESV) God calls us to love one another. Even if we don't agree, live differently, or have hurt feelings towards each other, I am still called to love you because He first loved me.
Show His forgiveness to others. "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13, NIV) In Mark, Jesus tell us, "But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions." I am to forgive just as He forgave. There are no conditions placed on this. It says, plain and simple to forgive each other.
Okay, I briefly explained those three concepts. Now how did I learn to apply it to my marriage and what did I learn?
Addiction is addiction is addiction. He is going to slip. He is going to take three steps forward and then stumble. In those moments when hestumbles, no matter how painful it is to say, "I forgive you, and I still love you no matter what," I have to. Though my heart is breaking on the inside because I feel betrayed, unloved and undesired, when I think about how HE must feel (weak, wounded, shameful, embarrassed, unlovable, and like a failure) I know that to DENY him God's grace, love and forgiveness is a sin.
I have learned to appreciate God more than I ever thought possible. I want to pursue Him. I want to learn about Him. I want to go deeper with Him until I am fully reliant on Him to get me through my days. I am weak. I need Him daily. I need him for the little things like getting out of bed and the HUGE things like how to show His love, grace and forgiveness to others.
While I was going through this change of heart, God was actively working in my husband. By the grace of God, my husband found his way out of the bondage of addiction, and is being freed of wounds from his past. While I would LOVE to think it was me showing him unconditional love, forgiveness and grace, much like myself, it was a string of events, actions and moments that brought him out of the darkness. I am so thankful for each. I am thankful for friends who were there day or night to listen, talk or pray for us. I am thankful for COUNTLESS books, podcasts and sermons we've read/listened to/watched. Mostly I am thankful for God removing the scales from our eyes, softening our hearts, and allowing our ears to hear.
It has been humbling, to say the least. I have gone from a marriage where neither of us actually cared about the other, and how they were, to now we hold each other accountable for our prayer lives, what we are reading in the Bible or other books, and just where we are in our walks and struggles. It is humbling because I know how undeserving of His blessings we are, and yet, He has blessed us immensely and abundantly. There are still daily struggles, hurt feelings and falls, and there always will be! We are just learning to handle them differently. Sometimes it takes us a few days to start handling them correctly. Sometimes it takes us a few weeks to realize that we need to apologize for something or give forgiveness for something. As we continue to learn, we will continue to take these baby steps with Christ and each other so that we can grow deeper with Him.
The truth was my way was going nowhere. The truth was my marriage sucked. The truth was I was wounded from years of the bondage of my past, the bondage of the lies that I was simultaniously too little and too much at the same time, the wounds of my up bringing and the questions I had. Finally, the ultimate truth was that my relationship with God, my Father, the Creator, was only ankle deep--IFthat.
I had your basic children's church knowledge of God. I understood enough to get by, but not enough to go anywhere with it. I prayed because that was what I was taught, not because I actually thought He was listening or would respond. I had a few experiences of feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit and moments where I knew He was there, but those moments came and went depending on my emotions and feelings.
So what changed? For seventeen years, I had been content with where I was, what I was doing, and how I was doing it.
I would love to say it was watching Love and Respect after year one of marriage.
I would love to say it was when I discovered my husband was struggling with an addiction to porn.
I would love to say it was when I heard stories of people breaking free of the bondage of their sins resulting in a deep and intimate relationship with Christ.
I would even love to say it was the birth of my son and the visions of his childhood--growing up in a home with parents who professed to live for Christ yet bore no fruit of His Kingdom, and were slowly dying spiritually.
I really can't pick one moment. Each moment added to the next until finally the "straw that broke the camel's back" was a moment when I realized I did not want to be here, living like this, day in and day out for the next five, ten, twenty, fifty years. I did not want to accept that my husband was going to go elsewhere to fill his needs. I did not want to accept that my son was MOST likely going to end up down the path his father and forefathers took before him. I did not want to accept that we were going to be fighting over the same things everyday, which was a three way tie between finances, his struggle, and my nagging. I did not want to accept that I was not living MY life for God. I did not want to accept that there was only emptiness on my end of a relationship with God. And I definitely did not want to accept that I played anyrole in theway my life and marriage were going.
Thankfully I did accept these things. The hardest to accept was that I played a significant role in each area. That was a pill I did not want to swallow, and I still have a hard time swallowing.
I recently heard someone say, "If you don't want to face your sins, don't get married."
I had to face my sins. The fact that I let the bondage of my past come between God and myself, and my husband and myself. Instead of setting myself free of the hurt, pain, and wounds from my past, I used it as a crutch to defend my actions to God and my husband. Each instance was a brick that I used to build a wall around myself. I let the bitterness against my husband for his own bondage and sins become more bricks. Each time he hurt me, another brick. Each time I was let down by someone, you guessed it, another brick.
After another fight, another act caught, another round of lies told, another string of excuses, blame deferring and denial, I was surrounded by my walls with no way out, and the realization that this really was not working. I sought advice from a dear friend and was told, "You have to pursue God no matter what. You have to take up the role of your own spiritual leader and not lean on anyone else to do that for you.Whether things go good or bad, you have to follow God. If you truly are desperate to get out then you will pray, read, study, and go to church whenever the door is open-EVEN if it's by yourself!"
Wow. That sounds easy? Put God first. Okay, but how easy is it really? How easy is it to say, "I am going to read my bible today, tomorrow, the next day, no matter what. I am going to pray and have time with God. I am going to study this book to learn more." It's very easy to say, but much harder to do.
It was not easy. I had days where I would forget and have to "make up" the next day. I had days where I wanted to give up because the push backs kept coming, my marriage was getting worse, my husband was being meaner, everything was thrown back into my face as my fault, I felt hopeless and alone. There were days where the only reason I sought after God was because it was my duty. The strange thing was, God met me where I was, whether I came to Him joyful, broken, sad, or forced.
The short of this is that the advice I was given to simply "pursue God and put Him first" resulted in so much more. By reading His word and watching others with marriages centered around God, I learned about His grace, His forgiveness, and His love.
His grace. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8, NIV) He knew what sinful people would be, could be, and are, yet He still sent His Son. His grace is unconditional because there is nothing we have done to earn it, but He gives it to us freely.
His forgiveness. "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8 ESV) I know my skeletons in my closet, and so does He, but He forgave me anyway! His forgiveness knows no end! He will forgive us as often as we come asking for it because His forgiveness is unconditional.
His love. "So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and who ever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." (1 John 4:16 ESV) God IS love. He loves each and every one of us no matter what choices we make or how we live our lives. We can break His heart by our choices, but He never takes His love away. His love is unconditional.
Did you notice a trend here? His grace, forgiveness, and love are all unconditional. There is nothing we can do that will make Him deny us His grace, forgiveness, or love. Okay, pause and reflect on that. Now, what does God call us to do?
Show His grace to others. "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:15 NIV) We are to show grace to others whether we feel they deserve it or not. That is tough. It goes against human nature and the way of the world, but God's way is not the world's way.
Show His love to others. "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:34-35 ESV) God calls us to love one another. Even if we don't agree, live differently, or have hurt feelings towards each other, I am still called to love you because He first loved me.
Show His forgiveness to others. "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13, NIV) In Mark, Jesus tell us, "But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions." I am to forgive just as He forgave. There are no conditions placed on this. It says, plain and simple to forgive each other.
Okay, I briefly explained those three concepts. Now how did I learn to apply it to my marriage and what did I learn?
Addiction is addiction is addiction. He is going to slip. He is going to take three steps forward and then stumble. In those moments when hestumbles, no matter how painful it is to say, "I forgive you, and I still love you no matter what," I have to. Though my heart is breaking on the inside because I feel betrayed, unloved and undesired, when I think about how HE must feel (weak, wounded, shameful, embarrassed, unlovable, and like a failure) I know that to DENY him God's grace, love and forgiveness is a sin.
I have learned to appreciate God more than I ever thought possible. I want to pursue Him. I want to learn about Him. I want to go deeper with Him until I am fully reliant on Him to get me through my days. I am weak. I need Him daily. I need him for the little things like getting out of bed and the HUGE things like how to show His love, grace and forgiveness to others.
While I was going through this change of heart, God was actively working in my husband. By the grace of God, my husband found his way out of the bondage of addiction, and is being freed of wounds from his past. While I would LOVE to think it was me showing him unconditional love, forgiveness and grace, much like myself, it was a string of events, actions and moments that brought him out of the darkness. I am so thankful for each. I am thankful for friends who were there day or night to listen, talk or pray for us. I am thankful for COUNTLESS books, podcasts and sermons we've read/listened to/watched. Mostly I am thankful for God removing the scales from our eyes, softening our hearts, and allowing our ears to hear.
It has been humbling, to say the least. I have gone from a marriage where neither of us actually cared about the other, and how they were, to now we hold each other accountable for our prayer lives, what we are reading in the Bible or other books, and just where we are in our walks and struggles. It is humbling because I know how undeserving of His blessings we are, and yet, He has blessed us immensely and abundantly. There are still daily struggles, hurt feelings and falls, and there always will be! We are just learning to handle them differently. Sometimes it takes us a few days to start handling them correctly. Sometimes it takes us a few weeks to realize that we need to apologize for something or give forgiveness for something. As we continue to learn, we will continue to take these baby steps with Christ and each other so that we can grow deeper with Him.
